Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Randomize
