she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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