is your mom at the bar?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
