Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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