are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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