I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
