so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
