So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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