I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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