The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
