Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
