I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
