I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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