I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
