life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
