I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
