Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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