I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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