If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
