dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
