im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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