Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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