I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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