he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
