Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
