I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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