Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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