she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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