I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
