Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
