Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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