you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
me + whiskey = a bad person
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
