I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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