do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
