My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
