Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
