Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
