I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
