my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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