I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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