watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
