I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
