I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
