your thong is hanging out like whoa
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
