Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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