ugly people sure do ruin things
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
