If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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