My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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