she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
