Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
