hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He felt like a one man threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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