why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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