im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
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Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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