he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need moral support for this bender
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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