I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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