If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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