I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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