apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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