I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So squirting runs in the family.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
