I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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